The L is silent.

Posts tagged “Dorf

In Which There Is An Unexpected Ridiculous Beard Competition

“There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild now, and in for all sorts of fun wherever you go.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

In honor of No-Shave November and The Hobbit soon-to-be-released, I have decided to give away some hard-earned gold in a very undwarfish manner!

Just visit (http://apps.warnerbros.com/thehobbit/ar/uk/) and dwarfify yourself in the most ridiculous manner possible and post it to (http://tinyurl.com/ilikebigbeardsandicannotlie)!

On the day of The Hobbit release (December 14th), some degenerate BBB members and myself will pick some winners and give you gold and whatever other silly prizes I may find!  It’s that simple!  (If you’d like to donate gold toward prizes or anything else, please contact me in game.  Prizes will be updated as the close draws near.  Basically, the more entries there are, the more gold I would like to give away!)

Don’t want to actually show your face?  Okay!  Substitute a dog or a watermelon, I don’t care! Have crazy sunglasses? Okay!  Want to do something with some fancy outer-world software?  Sure! There are really no rules! If you have a crazy image that you’re just not sure is forum-friendly, you can send me a link via PM on the forums.

All entries will be considered and probably mocked!  Have fun, have laughs!  Baruk Khazad!
(Note: Entries from outside Landroval are also welcome – I just won’t be able to give you gold if you’re hilarious.)


Why You Should Never Ever Smoke Mushrooms

Self-medicating.

I’m afraid I’m still recovering from the bout I had with Beorlich’s special a while back.  The dreams I’ve been having are dreadful.  Instead of visiting warm beaches and receiving divine lotto tips in my slumber, I’ve been disturbed by visions of dorfs doing terrible things in terrible places.  That lucky pisswhistle Aegthil goes on and on about his visions of the Lovely Lady Wrenaya and here I am stuck with midgets.

It was a helluva dream, I’ll tell ya – whether you want to hear it or not.  Still reading?  Ah, well then, don’t complain when you’re scarred for life.

I was a DORF, just a small, tiny weak thing!  And I was running in snow surrounded by my BBB chums!  They’re slaughtering all the animals around and singing, “We’re taking the dorf to Goblin Town.”  A sense of dread and urgency was spurring me forward to the terrifying climax when dear old Bluebonnett shoved me off a cliff!  What a heartless wretch!

Alamo!

I died, of course!  Let me tell you, when you die in your dream it’s trying!  Your heart clenches up and you break out in a cold sweat!  Your eyeballs nearly bust out of your head when you are sure you have met your ultimate doom!  Your innards do all sorts of nasty-gross things as they twist with fear and regret.  It can’t end like this, you think, feeling like a failure.

As I lay incapacitated in the snow bank mourning my fate, I was surprised to see a dark demon descending over me.  Sure it was the Reaper himself, I had to hold back a giggle when he landed beside me and became incapacitated himself.  Some minion of death and resurrection!  “Just retreat,” it says, as a fountain of all knowledge.  And closing my eyes, I found myself back in Ered Luin…  What does it all mean?!!

It means that smoking mushrooms is a really, really terribly bad idea.  Take my advice kids, and stick to the pipe-weed, lest you too wake up a dorf.